Last Night was filled with sorrow and Anxiety and lots of tossing and
turning due to the racing thoughts and lack of sleep from no Medicine
left for sleep. Many thoughts go through my head each Night and make it
difficult to fall asleep but Last Night was especially so. I was having
visons of Using and cutting myself, The more the tried To ignore these
thoughts The more that streamed through my Mind. Leo (my fiance) says
to me often that I am withdrawn and not Affectionate, I think this is
true and a result of my Fear to show who I am , The fear that my
vulnerbilities will reveal an "Ugly" side of me and in turn I will be
rejected. It is frustrating that I go from being upbeat and excited to
down and hopeless in the matter of minutes, sometimes even seconds. She
tried to be sexual with me last Night and I felt bad, Like I did not
want to be touched, as if I had no interest. This puzzles me because I
love intimate contact with many different people, But last night and of
late I feel bad and shut down emotionally and sexually. Today I feel OK
But am still in what I call purgatory of my life, Not knowing who or
what I want, do I want Girls, or Guys, or Both, Do I want to be in a
relationship or free and single, do I want to Live Here or back in The
U.S., Do I want to be a Doctor or something else or can I even choose
any of these things or are they already set in stone for me ? Do I want
to be Clean and Sober or Live that all too familar Life ? These are the
questions that I struggle with on a daily basis. Who is Rob ? A close
friend asked me oncce and I am still struggling with answering that so
very important question. Who am I ? What do I want ? Being Borderline I
rarely know the answer to these questions as My life with BPD is very
complex and confusing. I never know if I am coming or going, The world
I live in is Black and White.. Good or Bad, No inbetween. Very Hard to
Handle, But when I do handle It I feel even more capable of overcoming
adversity and Rising above my disease. BPD nor Addiction does not
define me nor does it have to define anyone else. It is what we suffer
from, the hand we were dealt but I am a strong believer that God does
not give us more than we can bear and I know that having these problems
makes me Who I am and a stronger, better person in the End.
So
Yes, Life is Hard for me and I struggle to make sense of It all and
sometimes am Lost, actually quite often feel lost and helpless But the
Key for me and others is to never Give Up.
I am going to fight this thing and anything that comes my way and prevail, Or at least Die Trying !
Tonight I go with Leo to a celebration in the Central Park here in
Town, should be Fun but at same time I am sure it will be difficult for
me as Large Crowds Scare me and make me nervous and anxious. Will
Update everyone Tomorrow on How that went Along.
R.C.
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