This Morning was a difficult one, Did not really want to Get out of
Bed. My medicine makes me so tired some mornings. I was also Kind of
down this morning, Not quite sure why, but am I ever ? I went to go out
to come here to the Internet Cafe and do my Writing but My Finace did
not want me to Go, She did not yell or anything like My Ex Wife Used to
but she voiced her not wanting me to leave Today. She gets Lonely and I
do understand that but at the same Time I need my space and working
Online is My "Rob Time " . I always have a lot going on in that head of
mine and need to sort through It and the best way to do that is sit at
the computer, write and lsiten to some soothing Music. I hope soon I
have my own Computer at Home and that way I can be there for her and
have more privacy to do my writing. I also hope to start school soon, I
plan to do that Online But that is an Iffy issue as well because one of
m,y character defects is the inability to Follow through on thoughts or
plans. I do want to be a Doctor one day and help others who suffer from
what I do. I also have high aspirations to help`people who are
persecuted by our Injust Legal System. Lots of Goals, Not getting any
younger either. I can eitrher Go for It or sit around and feel sorry
for myself.. I choose to Give it a shot ! BPD and Bipolar are very
difficult Illnesses to Live with and often keep people from living a
Happy Life but They are Not a death sentence By any means. It is
possible to overcome adversity and succeed in whatever way One wants
to. I realize that Borderlines do not have an easy existence, I should
as I am one. It does not have to be a completely misrable one though,
There are ways to deal with the Pain and emptiness we constantly feel
however, I am still learning new ways to deal with the constant pain of
Who I am and often have very difficult, confusing days but I do see
Hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I know deep down inside that
I am a Good, smart, talented Person with Lots of potential and even
when the little voice in my head tells me I am Nothing and will never
do anything Good with my Life, I know that voice is not me and I can
overcome that Voice and succeed. For me Today, Success is just getting
up out of Bed and Not taking a drink or a drug or cutting myself to
escape the Pain , success is Not giving up and saying "Fuck It ". There
are days I say that I just want to melt away but I know that "this too
will pass", and it usually does. I have an exciting event coming Up
Soon. I will be going to the states for a visit to see Family and
friends But this is a real test, as I Know that I wil be alone much of
that Time and the urge to Drink and possibly Use is there for me, I
cannot afford to Do that. I have come too Far to Give in Now. I have
problems and always will but realize that drugs and alcohol make it
worse and Not better at all. I like going to Gay Bars and geting
attention ( I guess that is another addiction- attention ) and being
around my kind But this is risky as the possibility of Picking up is
there. One thing that is a major improvement is not blowing up at
people when I do not get my way, have not done that in quite some time
now although there are times when I really want To. There are many,
many areas of myself and my life that need Work But I know that each
day I wake up and get out of Bed then I am one step closer. I hope that
I do return to Nicaragua as I have a wonderful woman in my life that
tries to understand Me and a Baby on the way, But being around my
friends are Going to make it difficult to Return.. Although I will do
the right thing and do so. I would really Like to write a Book but find
that difficult as well due to my difficulty concentrating and being
patient. There are many dreams that I hole on to and as long as I am
alive and not letting my character defects define me, then ALL is
possible. R.C
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