Another day here On this planet that has been so wonderful to me, I had somewhat of a upbeat attitude yesterday but of course it Quickly disappeared. Last night I had close to a breakdown, I explained to my fiance about my problems the best that I could although she has trouble understanding my Broken Spanish..(Yes she is Not American as I may have Mentioned) and overall the Attitude towards Mental Illness and Addiction here in Nicaragua is not on Par with the States, People think that people who have Psych issues are bad and it is their fault, There is not a sense of being a victim and it is not Accepted here as ab Illness similar to that of a physical Illness. In the U.S. When you go to the Hospital with Suicidal Problems and Thoughts then they lock you up and treat you, here they have the Attitude that if you want to Die then Oh well, One less mouth to feed so to speak. It is not that more people in The states have Psych problems than other nations, But due to the Nature of our society and ability as a 1rst world country we are more able to treat such illnesses, I think it is more of a lack of expierience with Mental Health than a denial of it"s Existence.
Anyhow, I was up all night long crying and wanting to cut myself.. Feeling helpless and trapped in my confusion and Hoplessness, I wanted to scream, blow up, something to escape what I was feeling, to cry out for help but there was no non destructive release, nobody to Help me or take away the Pain, No hospital to lean on or therapist to talk with or Pill to take.. I was stuck with Me and that is something I am not comfortable with At all. Leo does not understand but She wants to, she says "smile, don"t worry, It will be Ok" and asks if It is because Of her, that is not it at all, It is because of The madness and Doubt inside that I want to get away, Hide, and Tear my hair out.. It is because I do not have a computer at home to chat with other Borderlines in these desperate moments or a frind to call, or a Doctor to go see, I have just me with no coping mechanisms. I try DBT type Mindfulness exercises but difficult to do on one"s Own and with No training so That is not an option at the moment. I want to feel normal, not feel the Chaotic Mess that I feel all the Time, I am on Prozac but Feel that may be making me worse, It does not feel like it makes much of a difference and I still feel just as Nuts. I need the Meds I was on in States, The combo of Mood Stabilizers and Anti Depressents, and anti Psychotic meds. I need therapy, I need support, I need a saftey Net. Right now, I have a great Girlfriend but feel like I am slipping so far down, so deep down the Hole, and like God bless her soul but Like I am following in my Mother"s Footsteps of declining Mental Health and inability to Dig myself Out.
One moment I am fine and the next I am a basket Case, I feel lost and like I have absolutley No control what so ever over my Emotions, Thoughts, Impulsive ways or Life, and this is a scary Thought as I do not want To die, do not want to be a vegtable, do Not want to be Misrable but the Inspiration to escape and be OK Is less and less each day. I have dreams, I try to pull myself out, Try to think positive, Good Thoughts but seem to fall Short and I wonder when will the ups and downs Stop, when will I be able to have a positive impact on others (why I created this site) Instead of always whining and asking "why me God, why me ?"
This Does not Feel Like Christmas, feels very lonely, very hopeless, and I feel like the Rob that I have wanted to be for so Long.. Is almost Gone, I so do not want to be, I want to defy the Odds and Rise above and meet the Challenges but DO NOT know how, and I am scared. I know that I have it in me but do not know how to access all that I have and for anyone reading this my Instability is totally Obvious and that is That I am like a Light switch, The emotions switch off and on and off and on again, I always Go all over the place and I am sure that it is hard to keep up, I know this because it is Almost Impossible for me to keep Up with what I am feeling. Imagine not knowing when you will flip flop and Crash emotionally.. Like driving a Car and not knowing if The Brakes will Work when you need them or Like playing Russian Roulette.. That is what it is Like to have BPD, a constant collision course and one that is sure to be Devastating as I am riding without Protective Gear.
So what Now, That is what I keep asking myself, What do I do with No money Really ( Money is a huge stress for me ) No access to Meds or Treatment and No answers.. Not sure.. Guess I will just get through each day the Best that I can and Hope for the Best..May God be with you in YOUR struggle as I pray he is with Me in Mine.
R.C.
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