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Just sitting here going through the Motions of feeling my emotions and thought I would write another entry before calling it a night. I go through many roller coaster type of feelings as I am sure that you have figured out by now, Sometimes I feel like I am OK and then just collapse and go back into the dark tunnel of my own personal Hell. I feel a sort of writers block today and as a result having trouble finding the words to express how I really feel. Yesterday My Girl Leo asked "Why are you so down, what is the reason ? " How does someone who has the Issues that I and other BP"S Have explain how they feel or why they feel that way when It is hard for the person feelings those emotions to sort it all out and determine what it all means. I wish I could help her and others understand that It is not my fault that I behave the way That I do or that I have so unrealistic demands and feelings but It is what it is and I am what I am as I have said so many times before.
People ask me, "why do you want everything now ? ", well, My response is.. Not sure, as It is like this .. think of my life as if It were a card game .. "If I do not get four aces then I will not play the hand, I will fold " That is not the way to do things because we have to play the hand that is dealt us but BP"S will not do anything that does not guarentee Complete victory and Do so right away, which is a reason why they often do not try for anything and as such live very unsatisfying lives.
I go through all these emotions all the time, Like at the moment I am fine, Not happy, not sad, Just am .. hard to put into words. I am a very sexual person for instance but when I am in a relationship and it becomes clear that it will not end, that the Girl(or Boy) likes me and is going to stay with me, then I lose interest in Sex and Intimacy. I still love and cherish that person but It then feels less exciting and more like a brother/sister relationship or friendship.. I have to be sexual on my terms, at the few moments when I feel OK and less Manic and confused, Otherwise The touch of a person makes me push them away and feel very much suffacated. It seems that everything in my world is Temporary, I feel Joy but it does not last, the madness and agony of my inner turmoil lasts very short periods but appear often, I get Inspired and Motivated but that fades in time as well. Living in a temporary state of being makes life very uncertain and Confusing. Not knowing what you feel from one moment to the next makes it very difficult to Live a solid, stable Life. I try though, I am trying to learn more about who I am, deal with the bouts of Extreme Anger and uncontrolable Rage, the deep and dark sadness, and the Self doubt and Hatred. I have my good hours and bad hours when I used to have Good days and bad ones, The Internal Madness seems more severe of late and the Hope seems less and less But there is something in me that Gives me a glimmer of Inspiration to continue and move forward, get out of bed each day and Give it another Go. I hope to explore my feelings, progress and regress each day and to Help others relate and deal with their similar or not so similar Issues, It helps me to let it out and not Keep it all bottled up as I have done for so many years now . It also Helps that there is a possibilty that my writings (although not terribly Uplifting) can Help someone to at least Try to Give it another Go or try to understand what they Feel, I do not often see the Light but Nobody can accuse me of Giving up completely and laying down to Die, I do give it all that I feel that I"ve Got!
R.C.
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