Today I woke up with the Normal reaction of not wanting to get out of
Bed, Depressed and wishing I was someplace else. I always wish I was
someplace different or with someone different or even I wish I myself
was someone different. I gradually come around throughout the day But
honestly If It was not for My Fiance to make me get up, eat , and take
a shower then I would not do so. Not quite sure why that is, Could be
that I do not care how I look and when I feel bad on the inside then
why do something about the outside ?
I
spend a lot of Time on the Net as I see it as my escape , A way to
escape the reality of my sometimes Not so exciting Life. Never knowing
what I want is difficult for me. For instance, I get all excited when I
meet a Girl at first. I have the emotions of fearing abondonment and
rejection in the beginning stage and the Sex is amazing and I am all
emotional, with butterflies in My stomach and all But then over time I
get content and The excitement is Gone at which time I usually seek out
something new and exciting again. Of course this Hurts the person that
I am with. I get the same way with almost everything in my Life, when I
lose interest I usually get up and Go. Another difficult thing for me
is that I often get positive from the Females here where I live, Unlike
what I had in the states and Since i was a child I Have been very shy
and afraid of the opposite sex, so It is hard for me to abstain and not
act on these advances that I receive. Attention is important to me, If
I am not the center of attention then I feel like I am not important. I
often do not care what the attention is, negative or positive. I just
want it to be about me.
I am struggling with the fact that
I have been sober this Long, I do not do well with being in my own Mind
and skin without an escape, I do not like to feel emotions since I do
not know how to deal with them. I am yearning for that escape again but
Know that my Life is even more of a mess when I am High. I know that I
have great potential, It is just a matter of staying clean and sober
and believing in myself, taking steps and doing the next right Thing.
often easier said than done though.
I go up and down
frequently throughout the day, everyday. Any little thing can set me
off, I do not deal well with people telling me what to do or telling me
"NO", I however have not had an Angry outburst in Many Months now which
I see as Progress.
My mood at this moment is balanced(as much as
it can be ) and I am trying to stay in the moment, something very hard
to do for me. I am frustrated from waiting for my Books to arrive, So I
can continue to read about BPD and other Pyscholgy Topics, But the mail
system in My Country is not exactly Top Notch.
Guess that is all
for Now, I am having a severe case of Witer"s Block at the moment, I am
new at this writing thing, Be patient friends and I will Write more
Tomorrow.
R.C
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