I have been reading a lot of the book that my Good friend sent to me "I hate You, don"t leave me ". It is an amzing piece of work indeed, has taught me much about my illness and how it can affect other people, and I am only on the first chapter. It seems the more that I learn then the more pain and symptoms that I expierience. Today I went with Leo and saw a friend of hers, I was so anxious to get out of that house, felt so uncomfortable too be around strange people, wanted to jump out of my skin, To escape. I just left without saying goodbye, I felt worse about that, That is how it usually goes when I have an episode. I feel anxious and panic and then act out, then after the episode passes over the next few minutes then I am OK more or less and regret what I have done or how I have acted. It is a fact that traumatic events and loss brings out the depression and disorders and when I have my bad feelings activated I also act out withmy destructive behaviors and also release the addiction as well, so It is a multitude of problems piling up on top of each other. The feelings that I feel now are so very overwhelming, cannot will them away and not quite sure how to remedy the problems that I face. I am trying but it seems to be of no use, people get fed up with my antics, failures,and constant feeling sorry for myself, But what can I do as I suffer from something that is Impossible to overcome on one"s own. I am trying to understand this illness more and more each day but it is difficult to be insightful when you are filled up with chaotic feelings of confusion and sorrow, Also it is very difficult when others do not understand what you are feeling or going through. For someone to understand me and my struggles in life then they must "Feel what I feel", I honestly feel that is the only way to truly see the world as the person you are trying to understand sees it, Only way.
I believe that I have the intelligence and Insight of a very educated person which is amazing as I never have completed school, or anything for that matter in my Life. I do also feel and believe that I have the emotions of a 12 year old Boy, I always want to be protected and taken care of, Not wanting to face life"s problems and wanting to run or escape the harm that The world could cause me. This explains why I have been stuck in basically the same spot throughout my life and always end up going around in circles always ending up back where I started or worse.
I have tremendous motivation and desire but am often knocked down by the negative view that I have of myself and what I am capable of, I always Change the Rules so The Drama ends and never cross that line that could free me from the Hell of my existance, Which limits what I can accomplish or how far I can go in Life. Life is a series of choices and decisions and can only be Changed if someone has the strength to makethe hard ones But this is difficult if you do not feel that you have it in you to rise above to the next level and I do not feel that I CAN Overcome all that holds me back, If I am ever to love anyone else, help anyone else,, or make a difference in the world then I have to first do all those things with and for myself and stand on my own two feet, something I have never done, at least not for very Long.
I fear rejection, abandonment, failure, and so much more and this is why I do not take risks, actions, stare my pain in the face and say "No more will you rule me ",I do not know how, I do not want to suffer like I do, I want to help others and this is why I created this site, But at this point I am just trying to survive as I am going through one of the many difficult points inmy life where I feel stuck, trapped, and terrified.
There is only one person that can save you, me,or anybody and that is the person who is living with the Adversity and Pain, Nobody can do it for you or hold your hand through It, they can help you and show you the way But if you do not believe that you will Win at the end of the day then you won"t. This is my major problem, I do not feel that I have it in me to make it through, I have wonderful friends, great woman in my life, baby on the way But I feel misrable deep down in my soul, I feel empty and alone and like I am digging myself a deeper hole, a dark deep hole. I have courage and strength,I have to after all that I have survived and walked through But at this moment I do not feel like I have any at all.
The more seriously I take things, The harder the rules become and the more impossible the feat may seem, I see all of these hopes and dreams that I have and the fact that they seem so impossible and far away for me that I get down and hopeless. I know that life is a process and anything worth having is worth trying for and waiting, But I honestly do not feel that I have it in me to accomplish these Goals. I see everything that others have and I want but do not see how to obtain them, The pain within me has me unable to try, or wait, or go through the motions. It has always been this way, when things get difficult I run and Hide, Not wanting to face reality and this keeps me stuck.
What will set me Free, it seems that MY BPD is getting worse and worse and the Hill is becoming harder and harder To climb and it is very scary and discouraging. What positive action can I or anyone else take that will put them on the right path? How can a person who does not think rationally have success or overcome obstacles, a person that cannot wait or go through steps.. This person is me, I have never been able to follow steps and go through hardship to reach a Goal, so what makes me or others think that I can change that now at 32 years old? The desire to be all that I dream of is in me but I still feel 12 years old inside my soul and unable to stand on my own two feet and be a strong man, I get angry when others force me to grow up and fend for myself, I wnat to be taken care of, I hurt inside and feel incapable of moving forward most times, Not all but Most. Where do I go now, the recent tragic events have me feeling more sorry for myself and more desperate emotionally. I guess I will keep writing, taking my meds, and looking for the answers(through learning and searching ) that have eluded me for so very Long.
(I believe in Miracles and Pitfalls as I firmly believe that We are not In control..after all I have to have something that keeps me Going!)
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