Life can be very difficult with BPD, Imagine questioning all of your relationships and other"s love for you everyday, questioning who you are, what you want, or any and all of your Life decisions. Life becomes surreal and wonder what is real and what is not, made up in your mind. Never feeling secure with someone"s Love for you, never feeling sure of what choices to make, or what to do next. Even though I have lived with this disorder my entire life I never know what to expect, when you feel secure and safe then BPD jumps out at you and bam, attacks you and all that you THINK you are.
Always wanting to escape the chaos inside ( I know , I say that word a lot ) and find a relaease for the madness and craziness that I feel, locked inside this priosn of mine, not wanting to hurt those that I love but not knowing how not to, how do I escape, do I cut, use, drink, or run? None of those will give me the love and acceptance that I need or yearn for, But never know what to do or where to Go.
I always want to lash out at those I lovge, for I try to get them to understand me or accept that I cannot always look at things as the glass is half full, actually usually do not. I scream inside for someone to rescue me, being told to rescue myself but not having a clue how to do that, I get angry and frustrated with constant feelings of failure and being boxed in, Life with BPD is lke living in a small prison cell, no where to go, the walls close in as I feel more and more trapped, no escape, no release as I have used them all Up, there are brief glimpses of hope and moments of Joy but I never know when the walls will cave in again.
DBT and therapy could help me if I had access to therapy, I knew I should have continued in treatment as I seek out drugs to fix the pain, when there is no quick fix, there is no miracle here, I have faith that there will be and I will be cured but I must continue to work at It and find solutions relevant to my current situation. I love where I live and the freedoms, But need treatment and without it feel I could decline in my recovery, both of them (drugs and BPD ).
I have not tried to harm myself in many, many months now but am always thinking of it, almost acting but not following through, I also have not been in the hospital in many months but feel like I need that treatment, My mother always went to the hospital to hide and escape and I did many times over past few tyears as well, It did me no good except keep me safe at the moment, is that waht I need again, if so is it even a possiblity ??
I try to live a simple life with little perks and Joys but know that BPD and all that comes with it is always lurking around the corner waiting to pounce on me when I least expect it and am off guard, I have had my bad days before but that is all they were was bad days and they passed and good days returned but during the past week I have returned to the constant feeling of doom, where I cannot even look in the mirror, where every little issue or event sets me off and I crash.. Life as me is not easy as BPD and all else seems overwhelming, far more than before, But I am still here fighting and trying to do all I can do to get through each day.
You will need to enable javascript to generate a trackback link
