The battle and all out emotional war really, Continues within me as I struggle to make sense of it all. The anxiety and chronic depression that I feel leaves me feeling Hopeless and in a deep dark hole, But I also continue to fight and get up and about each day and to make everything better, In any way that I can. My Fiance Leo Does not understand me or my issues, many people do not so It is always a struggle to even understand myself and what I am truly am facing. Today so far has been difficult for me, Struggling to put on a smile and be there for Leo when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry and not deal with Life, I forced myself to get up however and shower and eat, come here to the net and do some writing, Having trouble finding the words to desribe my feelings Today Though. I got my books in the mail that my close friend sent me, I hope to learn more about Psychology and myself through reading them when the mania settles down. Leo questioned me about my journal entries and if I was with other girls, there are secrest inside of me that I do not reveal to people as nobody understands and judges me and that is what my journal says, I should be more careful though, I do not want to lose Leo and be further persecuted for my feelings and who I am so it must be kept under wraps. We worked through our issues, Seee I need to be true to myself but also Be true to those that love me and not hurt them. The suicidal thoughts and urges are flowing throughout my mind of late, I try to ignore them but they get stronger and stronger. I always have said that I do not want to die (which is the truth ) , I just want the pain and chaos to end and to be able to function in my Life. I really do need therapy and more medications but that is hard to come by here Outside of the U.S., I guess I just have to deal with it all on my own the best that I can.
I firmly believe that people cannot change who they are, only how they behave. I cannot change what my passions are and the desires of my heart, The pain that resides in me and causes me so much heartache But I can change how I respond to these feelings and my actions, Consequences do not come to fruition from feelings of thoughts but from actions and choices. It is not my fault that I have BPD, Addiction, and other ailments but it is my responsibility to control my impulses and compulsions and act responsibly and if I feel unsafe or not in Control then I have the responsibility to seek out help as soon as possible. There is always a second, third, etc Chance, I have had many and will continue to If I make the right choices and think rationally about what Impact my decisions have on my Life and those around me. Complete Change is not possible but redefining who we are and taking steps to accomplish our emotional, mental, and Life goals is.
So ,I continue to fight the battles that rage within me, To calm the storm and Rise above all that holds me down, It is not easy but I am sure that shall I be successful then It is worth it. The way my N.E. Patriots overcame adversity and won that amazing game last night should Go along with the amazing Inspiration that I felt from the Red Sox amazing comeback years ago in that.. One can accomplish anything, overcome any obstacle If (1- they have The desire and really want It. and (2- They have the passion and guts to never, never Give up the Fight.
I have lots of pain and BPD and other problems that lie within me will not be easily overcome and I often want to Give up and just crawl under the covers, But I have to least try to put one foot in front of the other and move through Life until Life ends me, Not me ending It.
R.C.
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