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Having now had several days to process recent events and tragedies, I am starting to think about what could be had for me in The future shall I continue to fight my adversities. I wonder what I could do to improve my Life in everyway possible, how can I build up my finances, Be more creative and aggressive and stay stable emotionally. How can I battle my addictions and problems in productive ways? I often get verty motivated and inspired to take action and go after my dreams, when there is an obstacle in the way then I often get sidetracked and get off course, Causing me to get discouraged and Give up. I Can use my Pain and personal issues to make a difference and explore my creative side, after all arn"t there many who are so talented and gifted who have a darkness inside of them ?
I battle this doubting, fearful, timid, and whodini type of a Rob all the time but know that there is a beter way to live life, who wants to live constantly in Pain and Misery? Who wants to abandon there hopes and dreams and just give up ? I know that nobody wants to live in the Darkness but often It is difficult to see the light with the blinders on, I do fight to Live and Live happily but often am defated by my Inner madness, The part of me that refuses to give up and throw in the towel is still in the ring swinging away, But the weak side of me is always trying to convince me that there is no Hope, that I might as well just walk away, forget about my dreams, But the fighter in me is still here battling.
Some of the major issues that I battle inside are.. Wanting to be in a relationship and being needy but also wanting my freedom and wanting to be alone, wanting to be clean but still yearning to be part of that Party Lifestyle, wanting to be taken care of but wanting to stand on my own as well. I love to be sexual but feel guilty and dirty afterwards, want to be a family man but still yearn to be a boy and have my freedom, I am always wanting my cake and to eat it too, Confusing Life this makes for. My self image of myself is always changing, going from positive to negative, not knowing to being sure, and more. I am more sure of myself on the outside than the inside, I do not like to hear the word "NO", Or be told what to do but at same time want to be rescued and taken care of, almost need it at times. I get moody and down, even to the point of suicidialty when others hurt my feelings or I do not get my way, I expect miracles and quick fixes and always want everything now, realisticly I know that this is not how Life works but am usually unable to look at things and take them as they are, step by step, day by day.. This is my major Flaw.
So, it has been another one of those up and down days, being happy hanging out with Leo and stuff, But feeling bad and guilty about all that has happened, wanting what I cannot have right now, and feeling misrable that I am not in control of my life and what I want in my Life. Christmas is approaching but it does not feel as such, I lost my Christmas gift to myself which was My trip. I know I need to let It go and move on as It is the past and people cannot change the past, However I do not know how to let things go, If I did I would not making the same mistakes and mishaps over and over again.
( I got my backpack back today that was lost on this trip, Ipod, clothes,meds, etc. , which is great since I need all that stuff, having no money and all.. So I guess there is hope for things to get better again, The problem is that things do get better but even when things are Good, I live in Hell in my Mind and emotions from all that continues to Plague me, BPD, Depression, and constant desire to excape using Drugs and Alcohol. )
Tonight I will watch the Pats play, It is one of the few things that helps me escape from my Mind and Feelings and just be Happy.. If they Win that is.
R.C.
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