I have been asking myself the question "what now ? " I ask this question of late due to my recent ordeal of The disaster I have suffered in Costa Rica and the continued fallout from those events. What do i do now ? Do I continue to Wish that It did not happen or Hope for a miracle that will take away the pain and fill me up with Joy ? What good is wishing going to do and what good has hoping ever got me ? Not much (although some ) that I can see. In life there will always be Pain and difficult times, There will always be events like that which I suffered in Costa Rica this past week, It is not about what happens to us in Life that defines us but how we deal with It, do we move forward or do me let it take us further down ? In my heart I choose To Fight, To never give up or In, To continue to struggle for what I believe in and want out of Life. However, In my Mind I do not feel that I have what it takes and that I cannot come out on Top, I feel weak and empty But I know that I must be strong (at least a little bit ) as I have survived a Lot in my Time, I sometimes just do not want anymore adversity or difficulty. I just want To be Happy and successful. I continue to be down and depressed about my trip failing, just as I was starting to come around the corner so to speak, I now feel stuck once again.
There is a line in the song Philadelphia by Bruce Springsteen that hits home, "There ain"t no angel that is gonna save me, It"s just you and I My friend ". It is so very true, we can hope for someone to rescue us and light the way for us But we are the only ones who truly Have the ability to "Light the Candle " and make something out of our Lives. I always want some help because deep inside I do not think that I have any strength, abilities, or courage. I want help in obtaining the desires of my heart and soul, But often I have received help and then just end up back in the Dark Hole Again anyway. I made a lot of mistakes in my life and it is obviously I continue to make some of those very same mistakes. I try not to But seem to continue to falter, I do not know if it is my Impulsive nature or My personality flaws, The Pain inside that causes me to Try to fill myself up with anything that will reduce that pain, even if it is temporarily. Is it my addictive ways or Compulsions, Is it just bad luck, or Fate? I honestly do Not know, Do not know how to change most of my ways, so what do I do, where am I going from here, forward or backwards ??? I do not know the answers to these questions that I ask, I only know that I must continue to try, to fight for who I am and what I want. I have a Lot of Faith in my lord and savior Jesus Christ, He has saved me from my ultimate destruction so many Times, I sometimes lose faith when things go wrong in my Life, But I soon return to Him and ask for Help. I know that many do not understand this Faith or feel the same way, But I know in my heart that Jesus resides inside of Me. He guides me through the Darkness and has a plan for my Life, I need just Listen.
BPD is The main issue that I deal with, everything else is a just a symptom of the pain that I suffer from depression and my personality disorder. Drug abuse is a symptom of a much larger problem, when you really look at It then BPD is also a symptom, a symptom of my feelings of being lost and wounded inside, sometimes a crutch that I use so people will not require me to be responsible for my actions, The truth is that Life is hard for me, but isn"t It for anyone ? It does cripple me though, make me do impulsive acts that normally I would have the rationalization not to behave in such ways, To seek external fixes for Internal problems, To cry out for help, To be who I am not and much more.. I have many problems, I have many regrets, and many doubts about My future but writing does help, even if nobody ever reads this , I know that It is an outlet for me and something that makes it at least a little bit easier To deal with the baggage that I am forced to carry with me everyday. I wish I could lose my internal baggages like I lost my backpack on this Trip.
I call the ordeal in Costa Rica a disaster, But Truth be Told I feel like the real disaster, i feel lost and like I am always a ticking time bomb, Like I am trying to fill myself up with anything that will stop the pain, whether it be Drugs, alcohol, food, travel, or cutting. The problem is that anything that you use to fix a problem that cannot be fixed by that thing with backfire and cause you more pain and destruction. I know that I am very insightful and talented, That I am gifted(in what ways I do not know, but feel It ) and can make an amazing contribution to the world, But feel stuck, feel like I am a Mess and cannot get what I truly want out of Life, maybe I do not get what I want because I do not really KNOW what I want, does anyone with BPD though ? Borderlines never feel sure of who they are or what they want, It is a constant struggle to discover one"s idenity and just when you think you know, You really do not.
So the fact is that I am Broken, I want to Go and see family and friends in The States, want a computer and to Go back to school and make something out of my Life, use my pain and sorrow to help others who suffer similar Plights. I just feel stcuk, so very stuck in my own personal Hell, I have a lot to be grateful for in my Life but being inside this skin is often a nightmare, very hard to Live with. I feel like a lost soul, do not know who I am, what I want, and more. I so want to but change is difficult for me, the desire is there but ability is lacking, due to the constant Tornado raging indside of my Mind and soul, I suffer from emotional terrorism on a daily basis, the atack level goes up and down and never know what I will feel from one moment to the next.
My Finace is amazing and I am so thankful for her, really am But she like most do not understand me, they do not understand that when I have a failed venture or opportunity that it rips my soul in pieces, that Inside I so want to be successful and Happy but seem to sabotage myself subconsiously and cannot stop doing so, I just want to sometimes crawl under the blankets and cry, Cry and scream but must face each day, I guess that is a good thing. Yes, Things are difficult and Not sure how to reverse these emotions and feelings but I do know that I will NOT throw in the towel, even when I so want To. I will stand and Fight, as dim as the Light may seem I know that The blackout will pass and I will stand proud and strong one day, somehow, someway, I WILL Make it.
R.C.
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