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Life has been up and down over the past few days to a week, I mean it is always a roller coaster ride but this has been more than usual. I sure hope that this last relapse with Drugs and alcohol was the Last as I do not like how it makes me feel and what I am like when I am high and/or Drunk. First of all it is meant as an escape from the problems that I face or the pain that I am going through but almost everytime it makes the situation turn from bad to awful. Not a solution at all. I keep thinking that What would have happened if this all had not happened to me, the mugging, drug use, depression and being stranded at the border, But I guess I cannot change what has occured in the past, Just move forward from here. I so wanted to see my friends and family, Now I just feel totally empty and Lost. I hope some good comes out of this and All that I can see that could be would be to finally get my shit together and stop using BPD as a crutch and get clean and sober once and for all, Realize that when something bad happens like the unfortunate circumstances in Costa Rica To not compound it bu picking up a Drug Or a Drink, But dealing with Life clean and sober and on life"s terms. If I am able to do that then I can handle anything that is thrown my way, I can come out on top as they say, instead of continue to dig myself this impossible to climb out holes. Yes, I have lots of problems and in many ways am still a little boy who is always scared, lonely, and timid but I do have the ability to overcome adversity, I know I do because I have done so before. Anyone with a heart and soul can fight through any Problem at all and Win. Anyone, I am not saying that it is easy, I want to give up at Times but I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth the Fight.
Went to try to get my luggage today and without luck as it was not where the bus station said it would be, so I sit here with one pair of shorts, two shirts and a pair of socks.. Everything else is Gone.. No money, Lost Passport (although have a new one now ) , Lost plane ticket and trip, My pride and positive attitude, and now clothes, ipod, and more. So as I sit here trying to pick myself up emotionally and mentally I ask myself this.. What is there to be Happy about, yes I am alive and with My baby Girl (both I am happy about and thankful for ) But I have lost in so much in such a short period of Time.
What don"t I have.. I do not have anything that I want really.. No computer, money, or Trip But I have some support to help me get through yet another difficult time. I have my illnesses and addictions to keep me on my toes, not sure if that is a blessing or Not.. I have my Life, sometimes I wonder if I really want that or not. As I have heard someone say before, as long as you are alive, the game continues, You Live to fight another day, have another opportunity, chance. But if You leave then that is It, ballgame over !!! No coming back, I guess I will step back into the batters box and Take another swing, I so wish someone could do it for me Though.
R.C.
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