Coming up on a week from my tragic and very painful ordeal and the pain seems to Increase and consume me. I feel the combination of sorrow for my hard luck and Guilt over my return into full fledged relapse. I cannot really see anything at all of any good that came of this except for the fact that I survived (physically) and saw how seriously I need to stay clean and sober and how I am vulnerble to my addictions and emotional baggage. I had come so far and made so much progress and now feel lower than I have in a very Long time, even more so than when I was homeless and addicted, hungry, and so forth in 2006.. and here I have a great Girlfriend, baby on way, and place to Live. I feel Like I let down myself and returned to the darkness that has surrounded me for so very Long. I mean Life is never easy for me but It is manageable and I have been dealing with It quite well. I wish I could erase what has happened and start over, In fact I wish I could sometimes restart my whole life over like you restart a computer when It is slow or has problems. I cannot though. Yes, I have done some amazing things in my time but the Pain seems to overshadow that, especially right now. I was so looking forward to this Trip and If I had been more careful and cautious with my surroundings and environment then It would have been Great and I would not be in this situation, of course I gave in and used drugs and alcohol again to try to do as I have always done, and numb the pain but as with any escape.. It is only a temporary solution and The pain is often more magnified afterwards.
Almost as much as the loss of My passport, money, and dream vacation I feel terribly down and depressed over my relapse. I truly hate to use drugs, Hate the consequences that I suffer from them and how they make me feel inside, I want To be clean and sober so badly but honestly do not know how to maintain that constant sobriety and deal with my BPD and depression without the use of these destructive methods. I have to ask myself, what good did using do for me ? Did it get me back my passport, or money, or pride ? The answer to all of those questions is NO, It just made me dig my hole deeper and deeper. My friend said to me just yesterday, "you finally hit your bottom when you stop digging ".. I hope this was my last bottom. I really do.
I feel hopeless right now, I do. No money , not only to go on trip but now not for anything. I want so much in life but cannot seem to get out from under my Rock. I want a computer so I can write an make some kind of career, learn and Grow. I want to go back to school, a better life for my family, to be clean and sober, to help people, to have a Nice life without the constant sorrow and disapointment. How do I get there ? Can I get there now, or is it past my Time ? I do not know, I created this site to help others but now I guess i am just using it as a source to vent, to let out the pain and sorrow that I hold so close to my heart inside of me. I am just trying to get back to where I was before this happened, which was not a perfect place by any means, But was on the way to where I want to be. I feel like I am slipping fast now however. Why cannot I have credit cards, a car, Money, etc.. I know it seems unimportant but for me it is, I want happiness and for me, these things mean a lot, Not having them hurts but what hurts most is that I feel helpless to help myself or become what I wnat to be, I feel hopeless at Times about what I can accomplish in Life. Where did My life Go ? Where am I going ?
Finally today, I say that I am grateful for what I DO have in my life but ask myself.. how, when , and will I make it ? Will or can I be all that I can be and overcome these painful, defeating adversities that Life throws my way and the self sabotage that I give myself ? Will, I Rob C. Stare life in the face and say YES, I will Fight or will I say screw it...As with anything, Only time will Tell.
I wish for a Miracle Emotionally, Mentally, Physically, Financially, and of course Spiritually !!!
R.C.
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