Last night did not go to sleep until 6 am, I was awake with racing thoughts and unable to sleep also because I ran out of sleeping meds. I was thinking about everything from My childhood, passing of Grandmother and mother to this upcoming Trip to the States. Finally I did get a few hours of shut eye. Now I am writing my last journal entry before setting sail on My journey Tomorrow. I am getting more and more excited about this trip but also nervous, I will miss Leo as I realize that I have a good thing with her and am generally Happy. I do notice that what I want today is not always what I will want tomorrow as my wants and goals always change, often without my consent.
I am a firm believer that people do what they are and my life has been a testimony of that, I do everything with my heart and know that I will do great things one day, If I am able to continue to overcome the adversities that I face. I was laying there last night and was thinking, ¨WOW, I have a mixed bag of feelings about almost everything¨. I never know for sure what I am feeling, who I am or anything. It is a constant battle to fight through the baggage and fine the real Rob. I am an attention Junkie, always need validation, whether it be from men, girls, etc. I also do know though that I have a BIG heart and care deeply for those that Are in my life and want to always do the right thing. I know now that my drug abuse in the past and actions do not only affect me but everyone else that cares about me, and yes there are people that love me even when I do not love myself. I know after all that I have been through that I was brought through the storm for a reason and will Help many people one day, I must admit however that it is a struggle not to give in to my compulsions and Impulses so I can avoid immidiate Pain. I have to dig deep if I want to continue to make progreess on this road of recovery, Being Dual Diagnosed is a difficult thing, as You always have two things to fight, two illnesses that want you to Fail..But It is possible and not only possible but a sure thing if you keep at It and never Give up.
So I leave with this question before I head out on this journey, Who is Rob ? That is right, Who am I ? Well, I am a Father, Son, Friend, Humanitarian, Child of God, I am Gay, and Straight, and Spititual, and motivated, and Unique, talented, Happy and Sad ..I am Funny yet sometimes Boring, a philosopher and psychologist, An addict, But a survivor. I am a dreamer, a Little Boy and yet a Man, I am what I want to become so desperately and something that I will never become, I am a Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics, and Bruins Fan, an Artist, A lover of Animals and Children and all that is Amazing in this World, I am not Perfect but Strive to be.. I am Rob, Who is often complicated and complex, Determined to Push through no matter how hard the fight, I am ever changing yet stay the Same. This is Who I am, now Who will I become ???
¨My battles do not define Me, How I overcome them Does ¨.
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