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What do I feel today ? Same as any other day I suppose although the depression at the current moment is very manageable. Just getting ready for my much anticipated Trip. It is anticipated because I have waited so Long and I am anxious for many reasons. I am excited as I have stated but also scared, for two reasons I am scared. 1)is that I worry about staying clean and being tempted and 2) I wonder if I will want to stay, of course I will come back as Leo needs me.
However everyday The same question pops in my head, "Who am I?" What is my purpose in this world? I guess it is an ongoing struggle to find the answer to these questions but I often get impatient to find the answers. I have many things that I want to do and accomplish but always sem to run into some sort of road block that prevents me from following through with anything. I want to make a difference in the world, help others, and feel good about what I have done at the end of the day. I know I have great potential, as with many borderlines.
People who suffer from Addictions and BPD, Both often are Smart, Talented Individuals with a lot to offer to the world but somehow are prevented from doing so due to Their Illneses and character flaws. People with these problems are very complicated and often have many Career, Love, sexual, and hobby Interest which inturn often is difficult for them to decide who they are, such is eveident in their struggles with Addiction as they are looking for something to make them feel like they belong and are part of something, a release from the confusion in their own minds and souls.
I myself switch on and off more often than a Light Switch in reguards to my Career Aspirations, Sexual Interests, and more. Nothing is ever very clear to me except for the fact that I want to be accepted whoever I choose to be, don"t we all ? I for one know that people want to fit in, be accepted, be part of something bigger than themselves but often look in all the wrong places for love and acceptance, I am guilty of this still although at least I reconize This now, although I still am not perfect, But who is perfect really ?
The key to overcoming anything is to accept and reconize the problem or area or difficulty, that does not mean that it goes away but at least you have somewhere to start and something to Go on. I would say my main struggles at this point is figuring out and accepting my sexuality, even the parts that society does not accept as a whole, and also dealing with my emotional issues on the inside without having to resort to drugs and alcohol or any other addictive escaping behavior. This is a hard task as I have always used outside things to fix the hurt inside of me and yearn for that escape again, I do not like feelings and having to feel anything unpleasant or unfamilar is difficult for me, I cannot run forever though..Can I ??
There are many things I am grateful for of course, My Future Wife and Baby, my income(as small as it is ), my house, my health and sanity(as infrequent as I have that ) and of course family and friends. I am also thankful for being clean and sober but everyday I struggle to hold on to that, and afterall I know that if I lose that then I could very well Lose everything again and in fact this time lose EVERYTHING ! That is something that I cannot afford to Do.
So this is how I feel today, OK but unsure of the very near and further away Future. I am eager to Live Life though and take whatever comes my way, after all I am a strong believer that what is meant to be, will be. So I must take it all in stride and try to make good choices, after all It is more than just about me, I guess it always has been.
R.C.
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