Last night was difficult for me as I had a minor breakdown and panic attack. It was the first of such magnitude in quite some time. It happened because Leo snapped at me about not wanting to watch sports, Since I do not deal well with confrontation I snapped myself and an episode where I get dressed and storm out the door occured,, She talked me into returning but then I got worse and tried to cut myself but she stopped me knowing my ways better now. She does seem very understanding of my illness and behaviors which is not common for me.
I often blow up like this feeling like I am out of control and cannot come back down to earth so to speak, It does not usually last long but for how long it does last it is Hell.
I descibe it like this.. Imagine an Earthquake where for the brief two to three minutes all hell breaks loose and it causes all kinds of damage and Caos but then after the brief period it Ends. It is the same with BPD for me, I feel all in Caos and twirling around and feels like an eternity but It eventually subsides but not before much damage is done, often irrepairable.
I struggle daily but some days are better than others, I am learning how to control these feelinsg and outbursts better, But at it"s worst I am helpless as the Caos within me takes over and sets on a course of emotional, mental, and eventually sometimes physical Destruction. I often seek outside things to deal with the Pain, such as Drugs, alcohol, and cutting. This only makes it all worse but is all I know.
I feel that my Drug and Alcohol problems are just a symptom of my ever so powerful BPD and Biploar disorders. I use drugs and alcohol to medicate the feelings and thoughts that paralyze me from my illnesses.
I do have things going well in my life now, have a wonderful Girlfriend and Baby on the way and look forward to a life with them, although sometimes I think about the opportunities that lie ahead for me with all these females liking me and Still wanting to be a part of the Gay community, I do not want to leave my Family. I yearn for other woman and guys for two reasons. 1) I like the attention And to explore who I am. 2) My disease has me always feeling that I do not know who I am, as with most borderlines and always seeking to "Find Myself". I am looking forward to my trip very much in just a few days now, a chance to relax and be free for awhile, see close friends and familar places. I am also scared that I will not want to return as I will be familarized with things I like and am comfortable with. At the same time I do know that I love my family and will not let them down.
Leo asked me last night If I loved myself and I said sometimes. she could not understand how I could love her and not myself, I explained that I have much love and passion for many people and animals and so forth but I have this internalized Hatred about who I am, probabally because I do not know who I am. Somedays I do love myself and hope one day to 100% Love myself, But I do have a lot of baggage and my disease always tells me I am Nothing, that is a work in progress I am working on. One day I will overcome all of these adversities, Until then I will keep writing and keep Fighting !
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