Rescue me from the pain, sorrow, from the depths of my soul that always try to get me to self destruct, Rescue me from the Drugs, the self hatred, the doubts about who I am or will Become.

Don"t let me fail, don"t let those who pursue me gain access to my most vulnerble places, as my enemies claw to get inside, banging at the door, I hide, not knowing what to do or where to run... helpless, hopeless, scared, and without an escape that will not cause more pain and damage.

Rescue me I ask, take me anywhere but here inside the hell of my mind, body, and soul, Take me away from this hell that I live in, this uncertainty, this darkness that never seems to see the light.. At times the light is turned on briefly before it is cruely shut off and again I am left in this dark and empty place. Nowhere to turn, nothing to do except to seek an escape for the imense destruction that awaits me.

So much potential, so much love, and kindness lies within me but what am I to do with it, ... (more)

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Last night did not go to sleep until 6 am, I was awake with racing thoughts and unable to sleep also because I ran out of sleeping meds. I was thinking about everything from My childhood, passing of Grandmother and mother to this upcoming Trip to the States. Finally I did get a few hours of shut eye. Now I am writing my last journal entry before setting sail on My journey Tomorrow. I am getting more and more excited about this trip but also nervous, I will miss Leo as I realize that I have a good thing with her and am generally Happy. I do notice that what I want today is not always what I will want tomorrow as my wants and goals always change, often without my consent. 

I am a firm believer that people do what they are and my life has been a testimony of that, I do everything with my heart and know that I will do great things one day, If I am able to continue to overcome the adversities that I face. ... (more)

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I am writing this piece about Crystal Meth and it"s negative effect on the Gay community as I know from personal expierience of what it does. I am currently clean, almost six months. It is a battle everyday and It is not really the drug that keeps me wanting to relive that aspect of my life again but the combination of the Sex and Drug and how I constantly want to have that connection with another while using the Drug that made me feel so amazing, Until It nearly destroyed me.

The Internet, Meth, and the effect that meth has on ones sexuality all Go together in this.  Basically, Meth increases sexual desire and lowers Inhibitions making Sex more enjoyable and the ability to act in ways you cannot sober. However, the compulsion to continue the sexual act or use of the Drugs  reguardless of the cost or consequences is devastating. One cannot stop the sex nor the drug once they start, It is repetative and obsessive. ... (more)

What do I feel today ? Same as any other day I suppose although the depression at the current moment is very manageable. Just getting ready for my much anticipated Trip. It is anticipated because I have waited so Long and I am anxious for many reasons. I am excited as I have stated but also scared, for two reasons I am scared. 1)is that I worry about staying clean and being tempted and 2) I wonder if I will want to stay, of course I will come back as Leo needs me.

However everyday The same question pops in my head, "Who am I?"  What is my purpose in this world? I guess it is an ongoing struggle to find the answer to these questions but I often get impatient to find the answers. I have many things that I want to do and accomplish but always sem to run into some sort of road block that prevents me from following through with anything. I want to make a difference in the world, help others, and feel good about what I have done at the end of the day. I know I have great potential, as with many ... (more)

Last night was difficult for me as I had a minor breakdown and panic attack. It was the first of such magnitude in quite some time. It happened because Leo snapped at me about not wanting to watch sports,  Since I do not deal well with confrontation I snapped myself and an episode where I get dressed and storm out the door occured,, She talked me into returning but then I got worse and tried to cut myself but she stopped me knowing my ways better now. She does seem very understanding of my illness and behaviors which is not common for me.

I often blow up like this feeling like I am out of control and cannot come back down to earth so to speak, It does not usually last long but for how long it does last it is Hell.

I descibe it like this.. Imagine an Earthquake where for the brief two to three minutes all hell breaks loose and it causes all kinds of damage and Caos but then after the brief period it Ends. ... (more)

Today Is a pretty good day, I went to see an ultrasound that Leo had today of our baby. We do not know what It is yet and consistent with my constant uncertainty I cannot decide what would make me happier, a boy or Girl.  I really just want a healthy baby.

I still feel under the weather but hopefully will be better before I leave for my vacation on Saturday. I had a good night last night watching the Patriots kick ass and Win again. That always cheers me up, at least temporarily. As for now at this moment I am doing OK, Doing some political blogging here Online before I go to have dinner With Leo. 

I love Leo, She is everything that I could want and more in a girlfriend/Wife but sometimes I wonder is she what I really want ? I mean I have so many different aspects of my personality and Sexuality that it is sometimes hard to decide what I truly want, with Love, Work, or anything really. Makes for a very confusing Life. It is my life and I must deal with it accordingly.

So ... (more)

Another day in Paradise so to speak, Of course I am being sarcastic! In all honestly Today has not started out to be one of my worst days, I do feel under the weather and such but Emotionally feel better than over the past few days. I have been able to stay centered or as centered as I possibly can.  I get frustrated when people I debate certain political issues with Online try to deface My character as I do not think highly of myself to begin with, But I try to remind Myself that I am a Good and to continue fighting for what I believe In. Somedays I wonder why I write this Blog, I mean who is actually reading It anyway ?  The fact is I started this Site was to Help myself deal with my various issues and confusing feelings, sort of Self therapy . If I help others all the better but I need to continue so I can personally Grow and get better.

Asserting myself is a Big issue for me as I never really know when or how to assert myself.  Often come across as a bully and a raging maniac. ... (more)

TWEEKER

I used to be a tweeker It wasn't long ago,
I noticed I got weaker and my bones began to show.

It started out as something fun, I could do with all my friends,
I loved myself when I was spun and then the high would end.

My world would come crashing down. I'd feel like total sh*t,
In my tears I could drown. Longing for just ONE more hit.

I felt like I would die. If I didn't get some more.
My mind would tell me "go get high".

But I didn't know what was in store. I thought my life was good,
And everything was okay, I was in a euphoric mood.

Each and every day. My favorite part was the rush,
I would get right when I'd smoke, It felt like a great big pleasure gush.

Believe me, it's no joke. Because of this breathtaking feeling,
More and more I'd buy, I'd hallucinate monsters on the ... (more)

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Today I feel Sick, not in the head or emotional state though. I think that i have a touch of the flu, do not even feel like writing but It is something that I am committed to and that helps deal with my roller coaster emotions.

Last night outside of my front door there was a Big party, street fair atmosphere, they call it Carnival. It was wild with all these floats and dancers in the street. Leo and I watched with her family. I took some pictures and It was nice, I was tempted to drink due to the party atmosphere but was able for once to use my better judgement and not give in to my very powerful  Impulses.

Today I am doing my usual Blogging as It helps to deal with the constant caos that runs throughout me on a daily basis. I do however feel some excitement and positivity about the future today and I need to embrace those emotions when they are present as The negative feelings are more common for me. ... (more)

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Today I woke up with the Normal reaction of not wanting to get out of Bed, Depressed and wishing I was someplace else. I always wish I was someplace different or with someone different or even I wish I myself was someone different.  I gradually come around throughout the day But honestly If It was not for My Fiance to make me get up, eat , and  take a shower then I would not do so. Not quite sure why that is, Could be that I do not care how I look and when I feel bad on the inside then why do something about the outside ?

 I spend a lot of Time on the Net as I see it as my escape , A way to escape the reality of my sometimes Not so exciting Life. Never knowing what I want is difficult for me. For instance, I get all excited when I meet a Girl at first. I have the emotions of fearing abondonment and rejection in the beginning  stage and the Sex is amazing and I am all emotional, with butterflies in My stomach and all But then over time I get content and The ... (more)

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Sometimes I get angry that I've had to wrestle with this demon (BPD). I mean borderline isn't the "disease of the week," if you get my drift. No one "likes" a borderline. Society doesn't. Shrinks don't. (My therapist has said that often shrinks limit how many borderlines they work with because they can be very draining, though he does know of a therapist that *only* works with borderlines) You can't even feel sorry for one. We are chaotic, aggressive, manipulative, and angry to the world. But look inside the soul of a borderline (if you can get there) and you'll find something very different. Fear. Desperation. Abandonment. Incredible sensitivity. Another concern I have is not to define myself purely in terms of this diagnosis. In fact, I worry that all of us are in danger of defining ourselves by the diagnosis that some shrink has given us, but we are the sum of *all* our parts. It's too easy for it to become a self fulfilling prophecy

                                                   Welcome To My Blog !

     I created this Blog mostly for myself in my daily struggle with a dual diagnosis of Bpd  aka  borderline personality disorder and Crystal Meth Addiction.  I created this page mostly for myself as I currently have no positive outlet for my emotions and Thoughts, But also for others Like me who also suffer from these two debilitating Conditions. 

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